Dear Sam

Dear Sam, Good to be back in harness, eh Big Fella?! I don’t know about you but I find the summer starts to drag with no football.

Much as I enjoy seeing the Aussies get pasted at cricket, rugby, tennis and tiddlywinks, it’s not the same as watching the mighty Hammers sweep all before them (well, potter on to mid-table security if you want to be strictly accurate — but let’s not split hairs so early in the season). Hope all’s well with you. I’m a bit concerned because I’ve not had an email from you for a while.

They were going into my spam folder but I had a word with the techie monkeys at work and they fixed that. He’s called Fat Sam, not Fat Spam, I told them! We love a good laugh at our place. I bet you guys have a right giraffe, too. It must be hilarious at Chadwell Heath during the week.

By the way, is it true that, after training, Mad Dog once took a dump in the communal bath while Dicksy was in there? I know it was before your time but I’m sure you’d be in a position to confirm or deny. You football legends really do have an amazing sense of humour. Anyway, I appreciate that you’re a busy man and don’t always have the time to sit down and write to all of us supporters individually. I fully understand if you’re not going to bother again this season. It was good of you to do it, especially as you were still trying to get your feet under the table and I felt bad about never writing back.

So I thought this season I would make an effort to keep in touch with you — if only to let you know what we’re thinking in the stands. It’s been a funny old transfer window, hasn’t it? I’ve been watching Sky Sports News religiously but nothing ever seems to come of the reports on there. One minute we’re in for Wilfried Bony, the next he’s heading off to Swansea. That’s what European football can do for you Sam — the fans want it, the players want it, everybody wants it.

So the next time the League Cup rolls round and we get drawn against a bunch of unheard-of nohopers from the lower leagues, try putting out a team that might actually win the game. You could do the same thing with the FA Cup while you’re at it. Who knows, we might even get to go to Wembley again. A bit of caution is all very well but sometimes you’ve got to live a little.

You don’t get relegated because you have a decent cup run. You get relegated because you’ve got a rubbish side who look like they were briefly introduced to one another five minutes before kick-off. Trust me, we know about things like this at West Ham. On a more positive note, I was delighted you persuaded Andy Carroll to sign up on a permanent basis. Once you get him up and running, is there any chance we could try playing it through midfield at some point this season?

Midfield? That’s the bloke standing between the back eight and Big Andy. We used to be quite well known for it. Once had a really nice chap called Brooking who was a dab hand at that sort of thing. You may have heard of him. He’s the one with a stand named after him. Still, you know what you’re doing. In Sam we trust, eh?

Who wants to see us take unnecessary risks in going after a big win against Tottenham when we could grind out a safe 1-0 victory over Fulham? Three points is three points, and it may all come down to goal difference as to whether or not you’ve still got a job next year.

At your age, there’s not going to be much interest in you down at the job centre, is there?

Mind you, house prices in Dudley are a good deal less than here, so the old tin tack mightn’t be as bad as you think. Not that it’ll ever come to that, I’m sure. Be lucky, Your mate behind the goal