Dear Sam, Great start to the season with that win over Cardiff, Big Fella!

Dear Sam, Great start to the season with that win over Cardiff, Big Fella! But I hope you've severely reprimanded those players who forgot the system and tried a spot of illicit passing?

Dear Sam,

Great start to the season with that win over Cardiff, Big Fella! But I hope you’ve severely reprimanded those players who forgot the system and tried a spot of illicit passing?

That young Noble was the worst offender – you’re going to have to have a word with him before he gets ideas above his station. Cutting out their full-back with slide-rule precision? An inch-perfect crossfield ball? Where does he think he is – Barcelona? Luckily Ginge kept his head, though, and didn’t try any of that Continental rubbish. Now there’s a lad who knows how to put his laces through the ball. Good on him, I say.

In James Collins, my friend, you truly have an Iron with a hoof. Still, while I think of it, you might like to warn City Airport of the kick-off time for the Stoke game – low-flying aircraft won’t want to be anywhere near the Boleyn Ground while that’s in progress. Anything below 30,000ft is in danger of being brought down by a ball played into the channels (or maybe played into THE Channel if Collins gives it any more welly when we’re facing south).

How are things your end? I’m still not getting any emails from you. I’ve had another word with our techies, and now they’re saying it’s all down to some sort of cyber terrorism. According to them, our place has come under attack from an outfit called the Syrian Electronic Army, and all the servers are down.

Between you and me Sam, I reckon that’s a serious porkie. We’ve got more chance of being attacked by the Electric Light Orchestra than a bunch of poor sods from Syria who think themselves lucky if the mains is up and running in Damascus for more than a couple of hours a day. But that’s the trouble with these computer monkeys – they’ll tell you anything rather than get their hands dirty. They’re not like you and me, eh? Most of ’em have never done a hard day’s work in their lives!

They go to some fancy university, get a degree in IT, and then the best they come up with is telling you to switch off your computer round the back and give it a few minutes before logging on again. Funny thing is, my mate Angela is getting emails from you – and she’s never set foot inside Upton Park in her life. The closest she ever got was the West Ham shop in Lakeside when she bought me the Santa gnome for Christmas a couple of years ago, yet she’s treated like royalty.

I’ve been supporting the Hammers for 50 years, and I don’t get a dickie bird from you. Now I’m not one to complain, but that doesn’t seem right to me. Not that I’m blaming you personally. I’m sure it’s a technical problem and they’ll get it sorted out soon.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep writing to you as promised. Would you like my mobile number in the meantime? That way, we could keep in touch by text. We could even have the occasional chat! I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll ring the main office and get them to give me yours. Let me know if there’s a bad time to call you. It was good to see Bonzo finally getting a gong for his services to West Ham. If anyone deserves it, he does. What a legend! Nobody mentioned the fact that he once smacked useless Ted MacDougall in the north and south, though. He should have got a medal for that!

If you ever find one of your teams mullered 4-1 and the striker clearly doesn’t give a toss, do what Ron Greenwood did and look the other way when a rather more committed team mate decides to point out the error of his ways. And they try to tell you Ron didn’t have a clue about man-management! Strictly entre nous, who’s your enforcer? My money’s on Winston.

Hard to see anyone taking liberties with a nine-foot-three Kiwi who’s got eyebrows like that. Is it true he was making a living as an Orc in the Lord of the Ring films before we picked him up in Denmar? I got that from the brother-inlaw, but I don’t always know when I should take him seriously. Hope the trip to Newcastle didn’t bring back too many painful memories. For what it’s worth, I think the way the Geordies treated you was bang out of order. Don’t they recognise quality football when they see it?

How’s Pards enjoying life with Mike Ashley, by the way? I trust they didn’t try to talk you into a friendly game of three-card brag. My understanding is that a session round the green baize with those two can get a bit lively. Still, Mr P has only got to stick it out in the frozen north for another six years then he can come home again. That’ll teach him to go blind while the other bloke’s holding a pryle of threes. You’ve got to be happy with a point up there, but they look like they could be in for a tough season. Pardew needs to get his players motivated, I reckon.

Perhaps he should remind them that now they’re playing with Wonga on their shirts, 100 per cent effort is no longer enough. These days, they’ve got to go out there and give it 4,117 per cent. Be lucky, Your mate behind the goal

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