Tuesday 3rd December
8.30pm: Feeling upbeat about tonight. Let’s face it, Crystal Palace is a must win and although they’ve got a new manager we should have enough tonight to see them off, especially after the weekend’s victory over Fulham. Funny how we are often the opposition when a team has a new manager. Hope that doesn’t work against us.
9.43pm: Bit concerned it’s a school night. Midnight kick off is a bit late so I’ll see how the first half goes and take it from there.
11.30pm: The teams have been announced! Good to see Carlton Cole is starting. I see Diame is in there as well. That’s good.
11.37pm: Wait, is Diame playing on the wing?
11.43pm: Diame is playing on the wing and our £10million quid winger is sitting on the bench. That’s odd.
11.50pm: Switch on Al Jazeera. Andy Gray is wondering why Diame is playing on the wing. Looking at Twitter, everyone is wondering why Diame is playing on the wing.
11.57pm: Andy Gray is wondering why Kevin Nolan is playing in that position and Ravel is playing there. Thinks there’d be better shape if those two were swapped. I’m sure it’ll be fine though. After all we did put three past Fulham, we are playing Crystal Palace and defeat is unthinkable.
Wednesday 4th December
12.01am: The atmosphere is amazing. The Crystal Palace fans are really getting behind their team and their new manager. They could be up for this!
12.04am: This is dire.
12.06am: Dear God, we play dreadful football.
12.07am: The summariser for tonight is Mark Bright. He used to play for Crystal Palace and he appears to be very biased. Let’s bang in a goal or two to shut him up.
12.09am: Once again we are having to cope with a linesman who doesn’t know the offside rule.
12.11am: The commentator is wondering why Diame is playing on the wing. Checking Twitter, a lot of people not very happy with the opening spell to say the least. We will improve, defeat is unthinkable.
12.17am: This is looking better. Far more of the ball, actually looking quite good going forward. Carlton seems up for it.
12.23am: Could and should be ahead by now. Got this nagging feeling they’ll knick a goal at some stage though. Let’s hope our rubbish defending recently has been sorted out in training because defeat is unthinkable.
12.31am: Mark Bright really wants Palace to win here. You can actually hear him inhaling in panic whenever the ball goes into their box. Has he not seen us play this season? He’s totally criticising Palace now too, which is good. To be fair they are awful.
12.34am: We’re pretty awful too.
12.37am: I really think Nolan shouldn’t be on the pitch.
12.41am: Diame really isn’t a winger. Why is Jarvis on the bench again? The commentator is saying it’s odd to see Diame playing in that position. I agree. Everyone on Twitter agrees. Allardyce, it seems, does not. Wouldn’t have anything to do with his blind loyalty to Nolan would it?
12.44am: Seriously? I mean, Chamakh? You have got to be kidding me.
12.46am: Why did I not bet against West Ham tonight? The odds on Chamakh scoring first must have been astronomical. I mean, he hasn’t scored since 1786. It’s always the same for us though. Man City haven’t won away all season – don’t worry they’re playing us next. Cue first away win of season. Frank Lampard’s been on a barren run, don’t worry West Ham up next, that’ll get him scoring again. In fact any team who’s got a striker who’s not scored in an eternity look up the next time you’re playing West Ham and it’s guaranteed you’ll get everything sorted then. Next week, I’ll make sure I study which Liverpool player is yet to score this season and put a bet on them for first goal. Could have made myself a fortune over the years.
12.47am: This is truly bad. A stat’s just come through on Twitter. We haven’t gained a single point when we’ve gone behind this season.
12.48am: Just discovered Chamakh scored in August. Not quite as long ago as 1786.
12.49am: It never works the other way round does it? I mean anyone who is on a barren spell will score when playing us but Nolan hasn’t scored since the first day of the season. Doubt that’ll change today though.
12.57am: I can’t do this. It’s a school night, my alarm is set for 7 and if I keep watching we are guaranteed to lose. If I switch off and go to bed now there’s a chance the old ‘we win when I’m not watching’ adage will come true.
12.59am: I’m off to bed.
7.00am: You have got to be kidding me. How can it be 7 o’clock already? Right, time to see whether that old adage came true….