Phew, have we had a lucky escape or what? Thank goodness you insisted that we didn’t cc Malky Mackay into our little email exchange. If they’d found your name in his contacts list the Allardyce sweetmeats would have been in the blender and you’ve got enough on your plate as it is.
So what’s the story with Kevin Nolan? Come on, you can tell me. It won’t go any further — honest. I’m guessing you’ve produced another one of your masterstrokes here; he hasn’t really broken his shoulder at all, has he? We all know there’s no point playing Kev unless the boy Carroll is in the side as well, and that’s not going to be happening any time soon, is it?
So, rather than humiliate the bloke by publicly dropping him, you get him to stick his arm in a sling and tell the world he’s out until further notice. That’s brilliant! Just make sure when the paparazzi catch him and his Geordie mate on the lash in a Soho nightclub at 3am, he isn’t using his ‘injured’ arm for lifting pint glasses.
I’ve got to hand it to you Sam, you know a decent player when you see one. The lad Coyote looks like a tremendous buy. And, judging by that volley at Selhurst Park, yer man Zapata knows what he’s doing as well. I’m not sure your policy of bulk-buying is the right one, though. Last year you were snapping up midfielders like they were going out of fashion. This time it’s strikers.
All of a sudden we’ve got more of them than we know what to do with. No doubt there are big savings to be made getting them all through Costco, but then it’s hard to know how to play them all at the same time. You’ve got to watch your back, mate. Young Master Jack is after you’re job — the word at Chadwell Heath is they plan to give him a few days’ work experience during the international break, then hand over the reins completely after the Hull game if it all goes pear-shaped on Humberside.
It’s time you got on the front foot, and I think I’ve got just the solution. Rather than keep all these strikers on the bench, why don’t you play them all at once? I‘ve been looking back through the history books, and apparently they used to have a system called 2-3-5. Honestly — they played with five forwards! The idea, as I understand it, is there were two full-backs, three half-backs, and five fellas up front. Imagine that!
The full-backs shouldn’t be any problem: you could play the new lad from Ipswich and the Irish kid who looks like a werewolf.
For the half-backs, you’d have Big Winston in the centre, with Wile E Coyote and Sir Marcus Noble either side of him. Then up front it’s simply a game of pick ‘n’ mix. It seems you need two wingers, two inside forwards and a centre forward. From what I can make of it, this central role is a key position.
The job description suggests the successful candidate will not run around like a headless chicken but is required to put the ball in the back of the net sometimes. Imagine the complete opposite of Vaz Te and you’ll get the picture. The great thing about the system is none of the other managers will have the first idea how to cope with it. Better still, Master Jack would never have seen this before — trust me, they don’t play 2-3-5 on Fifa 14.
I know it’s from an era that’s well before our time, but here is where Teddy Sheringham can finally start earning his corn. He’ll know all about this formation — he would have played it alongside the likes of Stanley Matthews and Nat Lofthouse in his younger days.
Give it a go mate — and don’t worry if we concede the odd goal here and there. When we’re banging in five and six every week the moaners will just have to learn to zip it. (Although no doubt some of them will still be complaining this isn’t the “West Ham Wayâ€ — what do these people want?) At last, you will be hailed as the tactical genius we true supporters know you to be. And, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone this was my idea. You can take all the credit.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of you being a genius, congratulations on getting us out of the League Cup as quickly as you did. I’m sure the 28,000- odd supporters who were there would like to join me in thanking you for sparing us this particular treadmill any longer than was absolutely necessary.
We all know that extra games in a knock-out tournament can only hinder our prime object of finishing 10th in the league. Let’s just hope you can work the same magic in January and spare us the tedium of an FA Cup run as well. Be lucky. Your mate behind the goal, Brian