Brian Williams pens his monthly letter to the gaffer

Dear Sam, Did you get the birthday card I sent you? I know the police are still looking at any post you get from me following the misunderstanding that led to the court order, but even they couldn't have misconstrued my intentions this time.

Dear Sam, Did you get the birthday card I sent you? I know the police are still looking at any post you get from me following the misunderstanding that led to the court order, but even they couldn’t have misconstrued my intentions this time. Sorry about the badge by the way. I couldn’t find one that said “60 today”, so I had get one for a six-year-old and paint in my own zero. I thought it didn’t look too bad in the circumstances.

Sixty, eh? Look on the bright side, give it another year or two and you’ll qualify for a Freedom Pass. Will you still come and watch us when we’re playing at Stratford? It’s a doddle to get there, just hop on a 104 bus — only, like WHUFC, make sure it’s going the right way LOL!! Hope you had a great party. It must have been fun with Russell Brand as guest of honour — I think he’s hilarious.

I’ve heard some miserable old devils say that bursting into the interview room and giving you a big kiss like he did was a toe-curling embarrassment for everyone connected with West Ham United, but I can’t agree with that. He was just demonstrating the love and affection that we have all felt towards you from the moment you joined our friendly little club. And were One Direction there, too? (They’re just like West Ham — cos we’re only going in one direction, right?!LMAO! ;D … sorry, can’t find the smiley face on this keyboard) Seriously though, Sam, I read somewhere that you were once in One Direction.

The newspapers reckoned you used to be Harry Styles, but that’s just plain ridiculous. Harry Styles was a little fella with no teeth who danced around with the World Cup on his head after the final in ’66 — you couldn’t possible be the same bloke; he was much shorter than you. Still, that’s journalists for you. Don’t know their Arsenal from their Umbro, most of ‘em. And don’t feel bad that you didn’t invite me, by the way: I’m not a great one for parties to be honest.

When it’s my birthday I’d rather go out for a quiet meal at the local Wetherspoon’s — round my way it’s half price before six o’clock on a Thursday. As I say, I don’t like a lot of excitement. Which is probably why I enjoyed your style of management up until recently. Now, as you know, I am the last one to complain — but I am starting to have my doubts about whether you are the right man to be our manager.

Have you looked at the league table recently? For heaven’s sake man, we’re not supposed to be at that end. Those positions are reserved for the likes of Liverpool and Manchester United. They’ve paid for them, after all. And you mark my words, my friend, they are not going to be at all happy when they find you’ve taken the places that rightfully belong to them. What really worries me is that we might upset that nice Mr Wenger. Trust me Sam, nobody wants to see that.

I know it won’t last, of course (remind me to tell you my hilarious and highly original joke about West Ham and the Christmas decorations some time) but it is desperately alarming to find ourselves towards the top of the table. Imagine if this were to go on for another few weeks — where would that leave us? Could you seriously imagine going through February, March and April without a relegation battle to keep the supporters happy? It just wouldn’t be right.

No back-of-a-fagpacket calculations about how many points we’ll need to stay up? No hastily scribbled sums on scraps of paper to ascertain the goal differences of the clubs around us? No sense of rightful indignation when some useless ref denies us a perfectly good goal that would have given us the win to finally get our season kick-started with six games left? The fans just won’t stand for it. Still, they say Big Andy Carroll will be back soon. That ought to put a stop to all this goal-scoring nonsense we’ve had to put with lately.

I understand he’s been doing a bit of modeling lately. Never thought of trying that game yourself, Sam? I understand Jacamo are always on the lookout for men with a fuller figure. Oh, while I’ve got your attention, could I just ask you about this West Ham Way I keep hearing so much about lately? Where the hell is it? My brother-in-law reckons it’s just off East Ham High Street, but I’ve looked on Google Earth and I can’t see it anywhere.

The reason I ask is that parking anywhere near the ground is murder these days, and I thought I might try further afield. Don’t s’pose you’ve got any suggestions about where I should stick my Smart car? Your mate behind the goal, Brian Follow Brian Williams on Twitter @BrianWill26

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