Brian Williams pens his monthly letter to the gaffer

Dear Sam, Blimey mate – that Carlton Cole has got a cheek! You stop him making the biggest mistake of his life and all he can do is give you a Grade A monstering over the phone.

Dear Sam, Blimey mate – that Carlton Cole has got a cheek! You stop him making the biggest mistake of his life and all he can do is give you a Grade A monstering over the phone.

West Bromwich? It’s the armpit of the universe! The place is even worse than Dudley. Ever wondered why’s there no East Bromwich? I’ll tell you why there’s no East Bromwich – it’s because West Bromwich is such a dump they didn’t want to live next door to it and so they all cleared off and called themselves Smethwick.

You know what they do in West Bromwich for entertainment? They go outside and watch the traffic lights change colour. Happily for young Mr Cole, you saved him from all that at the eleventh hour on transfer deadline day. And I really think he should have shown rather more gratitude – especially after all you’ve done for him.

If I remember correctly he was working as a body double for Benni McCarthy after you fired him by mutual consent the first time round. Not every manager would have given him a second chance – particularly when they had as many strikers on their books as you did at the time. He had no right speaking to you like that – there’s no call for the sort of language under any circumstances.

I see Mr Redknapp has parted company with Queens Park Strangers. Can’t say I’m surprised. I always thought there was something a bit dodgy about QPR. It was never going to be the right place for a man with Harry’s outstanding qualities and integrity.

Apparently, my brother-in-law uses the same accountant. As a result, he hasn’t had to shell out a penny-piece in income tax for years. The bloke’s a genius, by all accounts (no pun intended!) Only trouble is, my brother-in-law had to divorce my sister and marry his dog instead. Still, a small price to pay if you ask me.

Hope poor old Harry doesn’t have to wait too long for the NHS to sort out his knees. They can really mess you about with something like that. One minute you’re lying on the operating table good to go, the next they’re putting you on a bus home having called the whole thing off at the last minute. Some people can get really abusive as a result. They start shouting and swearing at the most inappropriate moments. Actually, it’s quite a well-known syndrome – there’s a name for it. Turrets? It’s something like that. Ask Carlton, he’ll know .

You ought to get H back at Upton Park in a coaching capacity. You’ve got a goalkeeping coach and a strikers’ coach – what about a wingers’ coach? We need someone who can show the wide boys a thing or two, and they don’t come Wide boy: Harry Redknapp still has his uses any wider than Harry. Don’t s’pose you thought about throwing your hat into the ring for the QPR job by any chance? It would be a home from home for you. You’ve got all the makings of the next West Ham side in that Masters six-a-side competition. You must have seen it on Sky – it’s the tournament when they get all the old blokes to leave their Zimmer frames in the changing room and have a kickabout for 10 minutes. Rob Green, Bobby Zamora, Rio Ferdinand – I reckon we could pick up some silverware with that lot back in claret and blue.

Let’s face it, there’s no substitute for experience. That’s why I’m glad to see someone’s finally getting to grips with the academy – what a waste of money that has been. We don’t need kids. Whoever thought we did? You don’t think the likes of Bobby Moore and Trevor Brooking were local lads who came to West Ham as schoolboys do you? Mr Sullivan has got the right idea – forget Romford and Dagenham and scour the backwoods of France in search of young talent.

You did well to keep that Sacko fella from going to the African Cup of Nations. It would have been a big ask to get past the mighty Bristol City without him. And all for a fine of just £71k. Nice one! What’s seventy grand these days? With the prices you charge in the bars at Upton Park, you’ll have that back in no time. Hopefully, we shouldn’t be short of a bob or two now we have a new sponsor. I understand this latest crowd is giving us twice as much dosh as the previous lot. Let’s hope they don’t go bust as well. I see you’re not taking any chances by the way you’ve stuck their names on a piece of white paper and stapled them to the front of the shirts. Not very elegant is it? But I suppose it saves a lot of sewing if we have to find someone else again in a hurry

You must have been a worried man when that Alpari crowd went belly up. Second sponsor we’ve lost in just a few years. As Lady Blackwall would have said, to lose one sponsor is unfortunate, to lose two looks like you’re a twat. (I thought an educated man such as yourself would enjoy that, Sam!) Of course, most kids today wouldn’t have the faintest idea who Lady Blackwall was. It’s a disgrace what goes on in schools today.

They ought to know an Oscar Wilde character when they see one – especially one who’s got a tunnel named after her. Be lucky my friend, Your mate behind the goal, Brian

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