Brian Williams pens his monthly letter to the gaffer

Dear Sam, How are things with you mate? I guess you’re still trying to work out what you’re going to do with yourself when you get fired by mutual consent at the end of the season.

Dear Sam,

How are things with you mate? I guess you’re still trying to work out what you’re going to do with yourself when you get fired by mutual consent at the end of the season. I know you’d like to find another job in football or, failing that, manage the England side. But I fear that ship has sailed my friend. It clearly wasn’t your destiny to lead this proud nation to the dizzying heights of the Euro quarter-finals. But that doesn’t mean you have to retire to your allotment in Dudley and spend more time with your vegetables. I saw you on the telly with that Clair Baldrick recently – and it was obvious to me that there’s a whole new line of work that’s crying out for a man like you.

Get yourself your own chat show! Let’s face it, there hasn’t been a decent one since Parky decided there was more money to be made out of selling funerals to poor old souls who can barely remember their own name on daytime TV. It’s an area that’s crying out for someone with your wit, warmth and bubbly personality. You’re a natural mate!

You could call it On The Couch With Big Sam. To be honest, I’m not sure how these things work exactly. My brother-in-law reckons the host has to buy their own settee, but I’m not sure he’s right about that. Still, even if he is, I’m guessing you’re not short of a bob or two. And these furniture shops have always got a sale on – you might even get one of them to sponsor you. I can just hear the announcer introducing the first show now. “And here is your host, BFS – brought to you by DFS!”

You’d have no problem getting guests – I reckon they’d be queuing round the block to come on your show. There are all the celebrity West Ham supporters for a start – I bet they’d love to have a chinwag with a man who has followed in the footsteps of legendary managers such as Ron Greenwood, John Lyall and Avram Grant.

You could start with Russell Brand. Judging by that kiss he gave you earlier in the season when we actually won games he’s clearly a big fan of yours. Then there’s John Cleese – he’s a Hammer (or at least was). Or what about Keira Knightley? I bet she’d fly over from Hollywood to chew the fat with a West Ham icon. (Incidentally, I’m sure a man of your intelligence would know this already, but chewing the fat is just an expression – it’s not the same as chewing the gum, which is a rather unpleasant habit and doesn’t come across at all well on TV.)

There are world leaders who support West Ham. You’ve got Barack Obama for a start. He could give you a few tips on how he managed to get his four-year contract renewed. Ridding the world of Bin Laden, probably helped. Maybe it’s not too late for you. If you could arrange for the SAS to make Jose Mourinho disappear out of a helicopter over the English Channel I’m sure most West Ham fans would agree to let bygones be bygones.

Best of all, the Queen is an Iron. Honest – I’m not joking! It was in the Daily Mirror, so it must be true. Apparently she overheard a bunch of her chinstrappers talking about Millwall and she told them she wasn’t going to stand for anyone using language like that in her Palace because she supports West Ham. My brother-in-law reckons the version of the story he saw said she gave them a chorus of ‘One hates Millwall, and One hates Millwall – the Royal We are Millwall … haters!” But I think he makes things up at times.

I realise she doesn’t do a lot of chat shows, and trying to book Her Majesty for your first series might be a trifle ambitious. Still, it’s good to know she’s West Ham Til She Dies. Which, for everyone’s sake, I hope isn’t for many years yet. The last thing this country needs is that idiot son of hers becoming king. I think he gets it from his father. And there’s no point asking Prince Phil to come on your show Sam. He supports Panathinaikos. I bet you could get some of the players to make an appearance. Did you see Carlton Cole on that question-and-answer show that the West Ham TV channel put out? He was on with Adrian and Stewart Downing – and he was the star of the show for my money. I bet he’d have a few things to say to you if you could get him on your couch.

The great thing about TV, of course, is that one thing leads to another. Crack the chat show lark and the rest is plain sailing. Have a word with Pixie Lott about getting on Strictly – she’s a big West Ham fan. So’s Phil Jupitas – I bet he could get you on the panel game circuit: QI; Have I Got News For You; Eight Out of Ten Cats – you could hold your own on all of those. Come to think of it, Sam, there’s a TV programme that’s tailor-made for you. Can’t guess? Then let me give a clue. Just think about this season’s home games against Tottenham, Arsenal, Chelsea and Palace. Of course. It’s Pointless! Your mate behind the goal, Armitage Shanks

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