What would you like to wake up to this Christmas morning?

Our stockings could have a claret and blue theme to them this year

It’ll be here before you know it. No, I’m not referring to relegation, but rather Christmas and with it comes the need to give out gift s to those you love, like and tolerate.

In order to help out your gift -giving, I’ve had a look through West Ham’s Christmas catalogue to see what the ideal gift s to give are this festive season. Th ere’s some classics in there. Full kits, pyjamas, offi cial team elves and even a bathrobe that makes James Collins look like a comedy burglar – but what should we be putting under the tree come December?

West Ham are flogging some exceptional knitwear, and there’s some great shots of our goalkeepers, Adrian San Miguel and Darren Randolph, modeling jumpers for the cold winter days. But you know what our goalkeepers would like a lot more than warm jumpers? Right backs.

They’d like some right backs on the pitch, so that they can come out of this season with their careers intact instead of being woefully overexposed every time the opposition brings the ball down the pitch. Th ere’s plenty more knitwear in the collection, and for Bilic, might I suggest a new wooly hat for when it’s cold – only perhaps we can get him one that doesn’t cover his eyes when he’s making substitutions, so that he can defi nitely see what he’s doing.

I have a lot of love for Slaven Bilic and his stylish ways, but he’s let the Hammers down this season in many games by making poor substitutions and throwing the game away. He’s capable of so much better, and it’s time we started being able to see it again. Unfortunately, there’s no travel wallet in the selection, so it looks like we’re gonna have to try harder to hide Dimitri’s passport and keep him at the club come January.

But there are a lot of replica shirts in there so hopefully we can buy some of them for the new signings we desperately need in January. Let’s put a couple shirts aside for some strikers, and hope that Father Christmas doesn’t know how bad we’ve been this year. Unfortunately, as much as I genuinely love the ladies grey cable knit jumpers – size ten, since you’ve asked – the Christmas collection is missing the one thing that all the fans and players desperately need – a good array of three points to spread across the season. It’s been such a challenging year for the players and fans and we’re in dire need of some solid wins.

The players need a boost, the fans need a boost – and winning games is the only way we’re going to save our season. But since we can’t buy success (although other clubs have managed to do so), we can at least give the gift of distraction, and giving people good reading for the season is the best way to do it.

A year’s subscription to Blowing Bubbles magazine is the perfect gift for any Hammer – and for something a bit longer to stick your teeth into, why not check out Blowing Bubbles writer Brian Williams’ excellent book, Nearly Reach The Sky – A Farewell to Upton Park. And remember, as we move into this festive and heart-warming time of year, it is a true joy to send and receive cards this season – but let’s hope our players stop getting so many whilst on the pitch. We can but hope.

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