It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was a shining triumph; a phoenix rising from the barren and desolate ashes. It was the latest and greatest comeback in Premier League history; haters would even say it was our cup final.
That’s right – it was Tottenham versus West Ham. It was an epic rollercoaster of emotions, but one we’d ride again in a heartbeat. Much like a modern day Samuel Pepys, here I lay bare my emotional, minute by minute, diary of the game that redefined a comeback. Buckle in everyone; we’re going for a ride.
1’ Goal Tottenham Hotspur
Haven’t even opened my beer yet and we’re losing. Son is one of the most lethal, in-form players in the league, and we’ve opted not to mark him.
8’ Goal Tottenham Hotspur.
You’re kidding me; that was the exact same build up, this time with Kane shaming us into oblivion. Do we have defenders? I still haven’t found the bottle opener, but West Ham are bottling this match within eight minutes. Thought that was Spurs’ job.
16’ Goal Tottenham Hotspur.
Oh good it’s happening again. Game, set, match. Cricket score incoming. West Ham completely and utterly not just at sea, but drowning in salt water. What is the point; what is honestly the point. Why do I do this to myself? I could be doing something else with my time and my money. We’re embarrassing, shameful, we’re not even trying. I can’t believe I bought a season ticket this year. I’m not even legally allowed to go to games. David Moyes is a fool. He’s set us up to lose. He should be investigated by Ofcom and Watchdog for falsely advertising himself as a football manager. I can’t watch any more of this; I’m turning it off, I’m done.
On reflection, I’ve paid a non-refundable £9.99 to NOWTV for a SkySports day pass and I really have nothing else to do with my life. This combined with my crippling low self esteem and lack of self worth, plus my comfortable sofa, has led me to conclude that I shall continue watching the match.
Has anything happened since their third goal? West Ham playing better but absolutely no point to it; the damage is done. We will be relegated by Christmas. The Wolves result was a fluke.
45’ + 3’
Halftime. Having an existential crisis. Perhaps another beer.
We’ve apparently resumed the match after halftime. Two shots on target in the same minute; both come to nothing. Fornals heads too high and Antonio’s shot is blocked. In other news, water is wet and the Pope is Catholic.
72’ Gareth Bale replaces Steven Bergwijn.
Damnit. The fake crowd is animated in a way they have not been for anyone else this season. It’s someone’s big moment; almost certainly the someone who does the fake crowd noise, but also possibly Bale’s big moment. Spurs have been waiting for this for so long. He’s a very good player. This has ‘welcome home hero hattrick’ written all over it. Also Winks comes on; no one provides him with extra fan fare.
A substitution before the 87th minute? Can only presume David Moyes has misinterpreted daylight saving time, possibly from talking to noted GMT denier David Gold, and accidentally brought on two subs too early. At any rate, here come two players not good enough to be part of the starting line up – Andriy Yarmolenko and Manuel Lanzini.
Here’s something interesting though – Lanzini, the man who hasn’t scored since approximately the last time Haley’s comet swung past this earth (unverified) is coming on now to try to get his groove back. Kevin Nolan has a folder open on the sidelines. He is showing something inside of it to Lanzini. Presumably it contains a photo of Lanzini’s family tied in the basement of a warehouse holding today’s newspaper. Motivational.
Interesting; Spurs have taken Son off. He’s a rather good player that lad. Could this have an impact on the game? Unlikely. Bit late.
82’ Goal West Ham United (Balbuena)
Oh sure, now we’re interested in a consolation prize. Great goal, but shame it’s too late to make anything of it. Still, we’ve got our goal difference to think of. This will make a difference when we’re clinging to 17th place come April.
85’ Goal West Ham United (Sanchez og)
As unlikely as it has felt in recent years to celebrate a Sanchez goal, a Tottenham error has suddenly drawn us almost level. Do we celebrate? Surely not. No one in Premier League history has ever come back into the game this late, and if it were to happen, it would be against West Ham rather than West Ham orchestrating the comeback. If only David Moyes were a more decisive leader with better tactics; we could have gotten something from this match.
90’ + 1’
Bale has a one on one with Fabinanski nullified by world renowned centre back Andriy Yarmolenko. Is Bale not very good?
90’ + 3’
Foul by Aurier – free kick to West Ham. It’s in range, up steps Cresswell. Can he? No he can’t but oh my god LANZINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Euphoria. Pure, unadulterated, unstoppable euphoria. Yelling, screaming, jumping off the couch, punching the air. Worried about VAR? No, never heard of her. You don’t cancel moments like this in football. We are massive. We’re not who we used to be. We can’t be ruled out. We earned this point.
90’ + 6’ Full Time.
What has happened. David Moyes, football genius. Never doubted you. Never. One point for West Ham United.