Two of the finest dead-ball specialists currently plying their trade in the Premier League have notched up more than 250 appearances between them in claret and blue yet scored less direct free kicks for us than either Emerson or Cresswell.
The precise number is in fact, at least at the time of writing, precisely zero. Which is classic West Ham.
The original stimulus for this piece was James Ward-Prowse – one away from equalling Beckham’s free-kick record since 18 February 2023 – being described as the MAC (Master of Accurate Crosses) on the cover of the March issue.
And then in April, Declan Rice went and scored two worldies against Real Madrid no less. While our former captain has added corners and free kicks to his repertoire, JWP has been reduced to sharing corner duty with Bowen and others, his failure to add to the 17 free kicks scored for Southampton emblematic of the Hammers hex.
Surely it’s only a matter of time before he breaks his West Ham duck, although most of us expected the aborted loan to the unexpectedly high-flying Nottingham Forest to lift the curse, so perhaps he’s been permanently infected by a move to the East End?
Ranking the Best of the Premier League Era
Anyway, I’m claiming these two as among our best Premier League-era* free kickers to make up the numbers. Let’s say Rice at five – lower placed because of his lesser overall tally and because there’s no hope of him adding to his West Ham tally – and JWP at four, which leaves…
3. Alessandro Diamanti
Special mention for Stuart Pearce, Nobby Solano, Junior Stanislas and Carolos Tevez but, as with the above, they did their best work in different colours.
Diamanti, despite spending most of his career elsewhere, sparkled in his single season with West Ham, which acted as a bridge between Serie B and the Italian national team. His reason for joining was Gianfranco Zola, who’d probably feature in this list had he played for rather than managed the Hammers.
Nelso Rici, the director of sport of Diamanti’s previous club Livorno, revealed that, ‘He begged us in tears to let him go’, which is the kind of passion that endears a player to supporters. But not as much as bending one in from 25 yards, which he did against Birmingham City, past future Hammers loanee Joe Hart – another underwhelming loanee, Mido, apparently wanted to take it but Zola had designated Diamanti his main man on free kicks and penalties, of which he scored four.
Before even making his debut, Diamanti actually scored a brace of free kicks against the same opponents in a reserve fixture. And although his only other notable free-kick contribution was a spillage by Vito Mannone that Carlton Cole tapped home to initiate a late comeback against Arsenal, there was the sense that something special might happen whenever he lined one up.
2. Julian Dicks
There was little finesse to a Dicks free kick, but that’s just how the fans liked them.
Bar a wonder strike against Nottingham Forest, Dicks’s free-kick record isn’t actually very impressive, his net-busters from 12 yards being more celebrated, but the sheer look of dread from opponents making up a wall added spice to any efforts from further out.
Apologies to Cresswell, who has had more success and is a noble addition to the long line of dependable full-backs doubling as dead-ball specialists, but for some reason it’s easier to omit Aaron than the Terminator.
1. Dimitri Payet
If this were a list of simply the best free kicks, Dimitri could be 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.
The mercurial Frenchman dominates video montages of West Ham’s best free kicks: Bournemouth, Blackburn, Manchester United, Liverpool and Accrington Stanley were all on the receiving end, although the undoubted coup de grâce was the one against Crystal Palace that seemed to defy the laws of gravity.
The guy was outrageous and if he’d seen out his contract then he’d probably be considered the Premier League’s greatest ever free-kick merchant. The magic that hung over that final season at Upton Park mostly emanated from Payet’s wand of a right foot.
The Hidden Talents of Nenê
Given Payet’s peerless prowess, former teammate Carl Jenkinson offers a rather leftfield opinion on our best ever: ‘He was very, very good, technically really good, his delivery from free kicks and set pieces made him one of the best I’ve ever seen,’ the Arsenal loanee, now at Bromley, concedes.
However, he told Talk Sport there was someone better: ‘Funnily enough there was another player at West Ham called Nenê and he was the best free-kick taker I’ve ever seen. He played a few games, not a lot, but I remember sitting there in training watching him take about 20 free kicks and every single one over the wall and in the top corner. I’ve never seen anything like it.’ Shame this talent was hidden from the fans.
But then that’s the strange phenomenon of dead-ball situations: the ball is stationary, the opposition at least 10 yards, time galore to weigh up the options – all professional footballers should be capable of producing something threatening. The real wonder should be why so many find the first man or the stands…
*Record-keeping didn’t begin in 1992 but I’m sticking to the modern era because a) my living memory doesn’t stretch much further back, and b) the free kicks before this time aren’t readily available to be discovered or re-lived on YouTube.
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